The Balamb Garden Gossip Column
by Bronze Warlock
Summary: THE UPDATE HAS ARRIVED!!!
1. The Beginning

(Author's Note:Had what I thought was a great idea on the way to work today…remember the Selphie's Diary page on the Balamb Network?What if there was a nice variation called the Gossip Column?Good excuse for someone to act OOC…that said:Don't own the game, the characters, the setting, the weapons, the fashion statements, etc.)

The Balamb Garden Gossip Column

Her fingers flew across the keyboard, making the proper updates…

**Item:**A certain dashing young martial artist has been seen at the backdoor of the cafeteria.Said fighter was supposedly handing over gil for what appeared to be hot dog buns…and mustard.Bets on what he's gonna do with them?

**Item:**The rumors surrounding one of our instructors' love life have really been heating up lately.She's been seen in the company of a cowboy, a martial artist, a strongman, and a few others…here's some advice from the Rumor Mill…don't wear yourself out, girl!Takes a lot of woman to satisfy some of these guys.

I also hear she likes it rough…take it for what you will.

**Item:**Rumor has it that someone's been in the Secret Area of the Training Center with a video camera, and has caught a lot of people in, shall we say, compromising positions.It seems a cowboy was caught doing the deed with a nice girl with a pigtail.If I were the cowboy, I'd pay a lot of money to keep that tape out of the hands of the Garden Festival Committee…and its leader.

**Item:**The local Triple Triad Club really has it in for a couple of players who came through recently…Advice to local players:Don't Use Marked Cards.That's my PSA for the week.

** **

**Item:**Last week I reported that a certain Sorceress has bewitched our beloved Commander…now my sources tell me that things have _really_ progressed, as she was spotted sneaking out of his room after curfew two days ago.Congratulations, dear…we didn't know you had it in you…until now!Speaking of…

**Item:**The Headmaster's office has become quite the little den of sin lately.The headmaster was seen coming out of his office rebuttoning his shirt, and later on, a lady left, adjusting her dress, as if…well, you figure it out.

**Item:**Our Garden Festival is looking like the event of the Year, as dignitaries from Esthar and Galbadia are rumored to put in appearances, along with the hottest bands from Deling City and Dollet.Here's hoping the new Re-mix of "Eyes On Me" goes over well.

That's the news for this week…I'm out of here like Hot Dogs in the Cafeteria,

The Rumor Mill…

Fujin finished the update, and uploaded it.Looking around the Library, and seeing herself alone, she laughed to herself, anonymity in tact.Who would have thought her board would get this popular?


	2. The Update

(Author's Note:the continuation of something I figured for a one-shot deal.But YOU, the readers, asked for this.Therefore…I WANT REVIEWS!!Pretty please?)

The Balamb Garden Gossip Column

An uncharacteristic laugh escaped Fujin's lips as she typed the news…

**Item:**The Garden Festival was a huge success, thanks to our illustrious, but too-damn-perky chairperson.THE social event of the season, as President Laguna Loire made a boring-but-brief speech about "harmony between Esthar and Galbadia." But my sources say General Caraway was seen gagging during that speech.Was it a sign of animosity, or did he choke on some bad fish?You decide…

**Item:**Regarding the Instructor's love life mentioned last time…so far, the strong-man is a surprising top contender for the lady's affections.We at the Rumor Mill salute your bravery.

As the song says…Whip it, whip it good.

**Item:**A certain pig-tailed librarian was seen leaving the Infirmary in tears.Not too long after that, a shotgun-slinger was seen passed out in front of her.Are you thinking what I am?Oh…like KEEP YOUR GUN HOLSTERED!!!

**Item:**A certain Gun-blader has been having fits lately, regarding the loss of his beloved Triple Triad cards.That's what you get for playing an Imp card on a Behemoth…better luck next time.

** **

**Item:**The Headmaster has quite a little love shack going these days…not only has _he_ done the deed in there, but some would venture to say that a Sorceress and a martial artist took a peek at what that little place had to offer, after they were spotted leaving, and looking a little out of breath.

PSA for the week:Don't antagonize a Gun-blade specialist…especially when he's not gettin' any lovin'.

**Item:**Piloting the Garden can be a lonely and unforgiving job…good thing our pilot has a little company up there…ever wonder why we keep running aground?

**Item:**The next SeeD Field Exam is slated for three days from now…here's hoping a certain somebody doesn't try to play hero again.FOLLOW ORDERS, SEIFER, AND FORGET THOSE STUPID CARDS!

That's the news for this week…I'm out of here like Hot Dogs in the Cafeteria,

The Rumor Mill…

Fujin finished the update, and uploaded it.Giggling like mad, she shut down the connection.

_It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't all true_, she thought.


	3. News of the worthy...and a mild shock

(Author's Note: Okay, now we're getting somewhere…maybe

(Author's Note:Okay, now we're getting somewhere…maybe.Therefore…I WANT REVIEWS!!Pretty please?)

The Balamb Garden Gossip Column

Fujin's eyes got bigger as she looked at the list, then shook her head and began the update…

**Item:**The Field Exam went smashingly, so the rumor goes, as three out of five candidates passed, and are now SeeDs.Congrats to all, and for those who didn't pass, better luck next time.And for a certain one…didn't I say forget those stupid cards?

**Item:**The Headmaster has some explaining to do.Seems that everyone has a key to his office, as yet another couple was seen coming out looking rather disheveled.What is it with that place?

**Item:**It seems our cowboy Don Juan has quite the issue on his hands…He was seen leaving the pig-tailed girl's room with a look that would kill, followed by the "lady" in question…and then someone else came out, trying to put on his uniform.Sounds like trouble in Paradise…

PSA for the Week:If you get around a lot, be a little more discreet, especially where a sharpshooter is concerned.

**Item:**It would seem that the Triple Triad King found a card stuck to his dormitory door today...held there with a miniature gunblade.Just offhand, I'd say someone's issuing a challenge.

** **

**Item:**The local Martial Artist is having severe issues these days regarding the cafeteria.Mr. Kung-Fu fighter was sitting in the cafeteria two days ago with a plate of his beloved hot dogs…but not eating them all at once.I'm for enjoying my food as much as anyone, but you just don't KISS them.

**Item:**A certain instructor has got a certain strongman wrapped around her finger.I hear she brings new meaning to being whipped…and he gets it every time he says, "Ya know?"

**Item:**Another SeeD Field Exam is being set up for tomorrow from now…and a trip to Esthar is going to be the setting…Here's hoping for the candidates, and the Esthar population.

That's the news for this week…I'm out of here like Hot Dogs in the Cafeteria,

The Rumor Mill…

Fujin snickered to herself.

Around the corner, peeping from behind the bookcase, Quistis' eyes were coming out of their skull.

_Ohmigosh,_ she thought.As she continued watching, a smile crossed her lips as an idea formed…


	4. RAGE!

(Author's Note: I think business has picked up in a most satisfactory manner...I hope I can continue to come up with new and exciting ideas for this...you be the judge...)  
  
  
The Balamb Garden Gossip Column, part 4  
  
RAGE!!! Fujin stared at the screen in Horror...at an update she hadn't left...  
  
Item: Our favorite Martial Artist has KP for the next three months, after being caught bribing the cafeteria staff for after-hours snacks...what a BRILLIANT punishment, oh mighty Commander. (sarcasm machine now turned off.) Speaking of...  
  
Item: Our Beloved commander seems to be spending more and more nights wandering in the Training center, hacking up Grats and T-rexaurs...could it be that the Sorceress is to blame? I'm sure I could think of more interesting ways to keep him awake at night...  
  
Item: It's official...There is a NEW Triple Triad King...only who knew it would be a Queen, as the Garden Festival Chair successfully pulled a 9-0 sweep over the former King. Go Sunshine! I wonder if a certain gun-blader's taking the news well...  
  
Item: Well, the cowboy lady-killer is back in fine form after a heart-breaking experience with the pig-tailed tramp...he's been seen with at least 5 ladies in the past 6 days...and she's got kitchen duty for a month...I wonder what prompted the light penalty?  
PSA for the week: Don't fake "the family way" if your man has friends in high places.  
  
Item: The SeeD Exam went through Esthar this week...and congratulations are in order to four of seven candidates. But most importantly...there's a new Gun-blade wielding SeeD...and it only took 13 tries. We at the Rumor Mill salute you. However...the way I hear it is a secret assist came from a silver-haired fox...  
  
Item: Our headmaster's love shack seems to have calmed down for the time being...though it's possible the popularity has waned, in favor of...well, we run aground more often than we used to, don't we?  
  
Item: Rumors concerning an Instructor and a strongman have been GREATLY exaggerated...it seems that a couple of tutoring sessions got more hype than they deserved. Now the Instructor is on the warpath...and when next the Instructor sees the strongman, even the DC won't be able to save him.  
  
Item: As you can probably tell, this update wasn't left by the usual source...seems that certain passwords are easy to figure out...the last name a certain person wishes they had.  
  
  
That's the news for this week...I'm out of here like rookies in the Training Center,  
The Rumor Mill...  
  
Fujin was consumed with two thought: This is pretty funny stuff...but the imposter will PAY!!  
  



	5. Who's reading this thing...

(Author's Note: Now that FF.net seems to be running again, the only question that remains now is...how long can I keep this up?)  
  
  
The Balamb Garden Gossip Column, part 5  
  
Fingers flew across the keys...time was of the essence...  
  
Item: The Triple Triad Challenge has gone out. The newest Gunblade-swinging SeeD took the news of Sunshine's win as expected...badly. Now he's gunning (pardon the pun) for our Festival Chairman...I'd be careful. In a positive light, even if she loses, she can cheer him to death.  
On a related note...  
  
Item: The Summer Garden Festival is booked for next weekend, and promises to be an even bigger event than the last one. Our chairperson has decided on a theme to outshine all others:   
  
SeeD-Stock: 3 days of Giggles and Grins.  
  
At least 22 bands have been booked to play this time, and the whole thing is supposed to last three days.  
Is there any coincidence that our Headmaster's vacation starts the day before, and ends the day after? You decide...  
  
Item: A certain strong man was found tied up in his closet a couple of days ago...and he was naked to boot. See what happens when you lie?  
Some men never learn.  
  
Item: As we're run aground (again) in Dollet, I'm hearing that the Headmaster is getting a little cranky, and remedial Garden Driver's Ed will be taken by the pilot.  
PSA for the week: Joyriding through the FH railway is not a good way to improve your SeeD ranking.  
  
Item: There's a new issue to be decided here in Garden, and it involves old master NORG's pod in the basement. There's a little question of what to do with it. Our fearless Leader would love nothing more then to dump it in the drink, but the Shumi seems to regard it as a holy shrine...kind of like a certain instructor's bathmat.  
  
Item: Everyone's favorite martial artist has been sent away from Garden for a couple of months...would you believe that there really is Honest-to-Hyne rehab for people like him? Hope they checked his luggage for mustard...  
  
Item: There's a sharpshooter already making plans to attend SeeD-Stock...will he have a friend with him, or see what develops there? My advice is for our Chairman to hold on to her sundress...  
  
Item: Our Sorceress has a little explaining to do...why would a nice girl like her be headed out to the Dollet club scene...and without her boy-toy, I might add...  
  
That's the news for this week...I'm out of here like rookies in the Training Center,  
The Rumor Mill...  
  
Fujin looked back and the blonde behind her, and smiled. Quistis looked behind her, and seeing no one coming, flashed a thumbs-up at her new partner.  
  
Squall sat quietly, perusing the information on his computer screen. The legendary Rumor Mill had piqued his interest...especially since it was so damn accurate.  



	6. SeeD-Stock!!

(Author's Note: Now that FF.net seems to be running again, the only question that remains now is...how long can I keep this up?)  
  
  
The Balamb Garden Gossip Column, part 6  
  
Fujin's fingers paused, as she checked the list. After a cursory glance, she shrugged her shoulders, and began typing...  
  
Item: The Garden's Festival, Seed-Stock, was certainly a hit, while it lasted. Mid-way through the Vicious Grats' part of the show, at the end of Day Two, our lookout gave the warning that Cid was returning early. As the car made its way to the garage, our beloved Chairperson began Operation Cover-up, and with the assistance of All Garden students, no one was any the wiser...  
However, the question remains...who called the Headmaster?  
  
Item: It also seems that a number of Seed-Stock-goers all had the same complaint...NO MORE EYES ON ME! After hearing the Death-metal version, the electronica-rave version, the Polka version, and a host of other needless re-mixes (my personal favorite was the gangsta rap version), everyone's wishing that our beloved Sorceress' mother had written more than one song.  
  
Item: As mentioned earlier, there is some question as to just who called Cid and asked him to come back...most of the suspicion is being laid on a certain gun-blade carrying, leather-wearing Commander...I wonder if the Festival chairperson has plans for revenge yet? Speaking of...  
  
Item: This very week, in our very own Quad, our Festival Chair and Triple Triad Queen will face off against her challenger, a grey-coated gun-blader...and he HAS been practicing, as a couple of junior-classmen can attest...  
PSA for the week: Don't play Triple Triad with certain cranky SeeDs.  
  
Item: An un-named SeeD received a letter the other day...from the Kiros & Ward Center for Hot Dog Addiction...our loving martial artist seems to be over the worst of his withdrawal, and is moving into his own room next week. We knew you could do it, Z-man!   
Now we await his return, and see if he can handle his biggest test in this harrowing (ye-ah) ordeal...  
  
Item: There's a very strange person running around Garden...seems a couple of days ago, there was a girl accosted by a couple of upper classmen. She was saved by...a large man wearing a cape. He then yelled something like "Hi-yo, Justice," and ran off, pretending to fly...  
  
Item: There was a bit of a brouhaha in the SeeD dorms not too long ago...as our Commander, in his own gentle way, interrogated his darling Sorceress. The resulting Thundaga spell only blew the door off its hinges, to the good fortune of all living near by...  
  
Item: A certain sharpshooter, hard to believe, wound up leaving SeeD-Stock alone...or, at least, without a certain Festival chairperson...though I hear he was able to survive the night...with a little assistance, from an unlikely source...  
  
That's the news for this week...I'm out of here like rookies in the Training Center,  
The Rumor Mill...  
  
  
Fujin and Quistis smiled at each other...  
  
Seifer glared at Rajin, who turned from his seat, and shrugged... 


	7. Calling It A Day...

(Author's Note: I think this will be the end of it...it's been a blast, but I'm running out of ideas.)  
  
  
The Balamb Garden Gossip Column, part 7...The final round.  
  
Quistis and Fujin looked at each other, nodding. Fujin sighed, and began typing...  
  
Item: The discovery of the caller who shut down SeeD-Stock early has not gone un-revenged by our illustrious Committee chairperson. It seems a certain sharpshooter was seen leaving his dorm-room holding his nose...further investigation revealed that his bed had been loaded with chocobo poo...  
  
Item: Speaking of...it's been a bad week for our Festival chair...first the early shutdown of her festival, then the kicker: All Hail the new Triple Triad King. Looks like the practice time really helped out a grey-coated gunblader.  
  
Item: As previously reported, there's a big weirdo with delusions of superhero-hood roaming the Halls late at night. This time, some one was seen doing something nasty in the fountain, when up flies Supergoof, who yells, "That's not very nice, ya know," and throws the offender in the fountain.  
Personally, I think he's been kicked in the shin one too many times...  
  
Item: Strange noise were (once again) heard coming from the Headmaster's office...and not ten minutes after the noise subsided, a junior classmen had to enter, and some say that our headmaster was putting a studded dog-collar back in his desk.  
PSA for the week: Do we REALLY want to know what he's doing in there?  
  
Item: More News from the K&W Center for Hot Dog Addiction...our favorite Martial Artist has gotten his release, and will be returning next week. However, his withdrawal from hot dogs is not without a price...it seems he's now a huge fan of something called a "taco"...  
  
Item: Amazingly enough, our Chairperson no longer has the...attention of a Galbadian cowboy. It would seem the lady who saved him from the Chairperson's wrath has quite the EYE for our beloved sharpshooter...and the ability to keep him from straying...since word has it that sai HURTS...  
  
Item: The Thundaga-blasted door has been repaired, and things are back to normal between our commander and his lady...well, as normal as things can be when you love a Sorceress. Though I think the lady in question will be true from now on, as our commander was overheard muttering something about Ultimecia being splattered all over time, and being able to do it again.  
  
Item: Well, things have calmed down a bit, so it looks like the Rumor Mill has run its course. An extended Hiatus, if you will...but you never know when it might return...  
  
I'm out of here like rookies in the Training Center,  
The Rumor Mill...  
  
  
  
Fujin shut her connection down, and looked at Quistis. "GOOD RUN."  
Quistis smiled. "You bet. Besides, you never know when we'll post something again." The instructor giggled. "Now come on, the guys are waiting on us."  
"INDEED."  
The girls made their way around the corner, to see Irvine and Seifer waiting. Seifer was checking his gunblade for rust, and Irvine was idly flipping through a Pet Lover's magazine. Both looked up at the girls approach.  
"Shall we go grab some dinner, ladies?" Irvine smirked as Fujin ran into his arms. "We have to pick up Zell, anyway, so while we're out..."  
Quistis took Seifer's arm. "Indeed, anything but hot dogs."  
Seifer smiled evilly. "I dunno, let's see how cured the Z-man really is."  
Irvine laughed, and the couples headed out to the Ragnarok. 


End file.
